It’s been over 9 years a caregiver for me and in a few months it will be 10 years of mom struggling with these issues.  So where am I at?

My computer crashed a couple of weeks ago and it could not be wiped.  I was able to get some things off before it crashed which I’m grateful.  Thankfully I had backup storage online and have been spending the last week making sure I download and backup the pictures I have.  I encourage you to do the same prior to a computer crash.

Going through the pictures has been walking through memory lane.  My mom and I traveled more than any other time in our lives after she had LBD explode, she became wheelchair bound and more.  I was so sick of hospitals I was losing my sanity.  So we traveled.  We figured out how to do hotel points and so we cut our costs and made a go of it.  I still can’t believe how much we did and most of it with her in a wheelchair.

But we live life.  And now she is in a place where she can’t travel.  Her legs do not work anymore at all, nor her hands or her eyes.  The neurological impacts took much of that out.  She does have taste so we try to get her meals she enjoys.

I am reminded too of how important it is to take the picture.  I have never looked more terrible in my life.  But take the picture.  You won’t regret having pictures of those you love.  And who knows that after this season you will have be able to recover how you look.

For mom she has lost soooo much weight.  It is shocking sometimes when we help her with the shower.  She is just pencil thin which is what she hasn’t been since she was in her 20’s.  In some ways she looks absolutely beautiful.  In other ways it’s horrifying to see how thin she is.

She has kind of held steady cognitively the last year or so.  Her words are still hard to understand.  She sleeps more.  And her legs are stiffer.

But on occasion she will suddenly start singing or laugh at something.  It is a joy to see.

Will she continue to live the remainder of the year?  I don’t know.  She is so very thin.  But who could have known that she made it this far?  So many friends and family have died in the last 9 1/2 years and yet she keeps going.  We remember Bob K, Matt K, Bob B, Loretta M, Jan S, Donna W and others.  So many unexpected.  People who were concerned about mom not knowing that they would go before her.  I’ve had several people I know lose their adult children dramatically and unexpectedly, Lalena L, Karen I, Ginger P, and others.

Where am I?  Kind of numb.  Emotionally tired beyond what anyone could possibly understand.  Physically looking awful.  Spiritually in a changing season.  And then thinking about what is ahead.  Trying to plan for a season of transition.  Getting some miracles in the process.

Hanging in there.  I know some of you have surpassed 9 years in the caregiving process.  Stay the course.  We are made as humans to love one another in this life.  If you don’t get to do anything your heart desires but you get to love someone, then your life has had great purpose.