Six years ago today my mom broke her hip for the first time.  She had been having signs and symptoms of LBD for the previous 2 years, but getting a major surgery changed everything.  The LBD exploded in addition to hip surgery, infection, problems with the hardware, infection again, femur fracture and so on and so on.  And then to have another fracture on her only good leg left and still with severe LBD…

If you would have told me this journey would have last 8 years (6 from hip fracture on) I think I would have fainted.  Although I’ve never fainted in my life.   People have no idea.  They still don’t even have a clue.  It’s been on of the most unspeakable journies of my life.  So much so I look like death and feel like an old person inside.   So much I can’t say or speak about online.

It’s still one foot in front of the other.  I don’t remember what normal looks like.  In person friends and not phone-a-friends seem like a distant memory.  I find myself stronger in ways that are so good, and changed in so many other ways not good.  I wonder when this season is over if I will become a semblance of my formal self, if that’s even possible.  In some ways I don’t want that.  In some ways I long to not be so exhausted all the time, frazzled and aggressive at others because there are no reserves left,  frustrated that no many how many times I explain to others they still don’t understand, to be away from people’s harsh judgment and so much more.

And yet I’m glad for these years.  I’m glad in the sense that the goal of our lives is very much to care for one another. My loved one must be very special to God to have asked for such great sacrifice.  It’s been worth it.  I will not regret it and I truly believe that.

I have been given salvation in Christ so I don’t have to earn a thing.  But I have always told the Lord that I don’t want to come into heaven looking good.  I want to come in with scars and bruises and bloodied from having loved in this life.  I think if I were to die today, not only would that be the case, but the angels will have to drag me in by one of my legs as I have no more strength to walk.