I look absolutely dreadful after 7 1/2 years of caregiving and it’s still going.  The before and after are astounding in a bad way–black circles, heavy weight gain, deep creases in forehead, from normal hair to gray.  People just don’t understand what it takes.   They just look at you and say they can barely recognize you (happened today).  I really do look awful and I fully acknowledge that.

It’s challenging as mom’s only joy left in life is going out to eat.  So we do.  I keep thinking her days are short, so let’s go for it.  But her days have been long, and longer which is good, but it’s not left me in a healthy place.  Not sure how I’ll handle that as I still want her to enjoy life for the days she has.  I’ll have to think on that one.

But I’m hoping to take back the wheel.  I’ve said that now every year for 7 1/2 years.  One thing I’ve discovered though is that losing weight and such takes emotional energy, something in short supply for caregivers.  But I want to stop making excuses and start doing something.  First, retraining my brain for success and not futulity.  Maybe writing about it occasionally here, although maybe not.  It is the internet after all where ever jot and tittle will be used against you at some point.

I have no idea how long caregiving will go on.  But it would be nice to not look as dreadful as I do now.  Some things I can’t change, but other things I can.

And it’s a hard day when people don’t recognize you because you look like death on two legs, limping.