It’s the Fourth of July, our national celebration, and I admit I really would love to be part of a party or a group.  Lately I’ve found myself struggling with loneliness.  It comes with the territory.  The cumulative exhaustion of many years of caregiving is so far beyond what people understand.  There aren’t days off, vacations, rest days, etc…  Maybe for some caregivers things are easier.  Everyone’s situation is different.

But that exhaustion means there’s just no energy to go make no friends or even if you do, go do things.  My loved one is 100% dependent.  Literally.  With only one functional leg, morbid obesity and severe psychotic and neurotic behavior from Lewy Body Dementia, I can’t even begin to tell you what it’s like.

I’m so utterly exhausted beyond what a human should feel.  Part of that isn’t just caregiving but I have severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  Right before things went haywire with my mom, my CFS had exploded.  But rest didn’t happen as I had a mom with broken bones in her legs from falls and LBD exploding.

But one day maybe this CFS will be better.  And maybe I’ll be at a party or gathering as I’m no longer in the care giving role.  But then I will be missing my precious mother.  It’s kind of like that.  Life.

We long for one thing that we don’t have and when we get what we want we long for what we had.  Rarely do all things line up in the place of natural peace and joy of a situation.  Many times that peace and joy are chosen by the celebration of what we do have.

And for me that right now is a mother.  There are no fireworks to shoot off as there is not energy to shop for them and set them off and wait up until late.  Plus they would probably scare her.  But that’s ok.  I still have her.  And one day in the future I’ll be at a nice party but wishing I had her with me.  So I’ll take what is and enjoy it.

And the loneliness?  That comes and goes for every human.  Sure, loneliness is more typical for caregivers.  Those who have not walked this road or if they have calm situations, they will not understand.  But I most assuredly will be lonely in the future missing her.  Good times come and good times go.  We must develop the skill to find contentment in any and every situation.

So for now I go to bad.  Hopefully a neighbor will shoot off some fireworks.  The city won’t because of the virus.  And perhaps I will see very few.  I’m tired and hope to go to bed early.  And you know what?  That’s ok.

I did get a special treat tonight.  As I was driving and feeling the loneliness of it all, I looked up and saw a very small rainbow.  I wonder if anyone else saw it.  But there it was.  For me.

He is with me.

He is with me.

He is with me.

He is with me.

Amen.