It’s been a good week in some ways. We’re getting over our sicknesses. The weather has been nice. I get a few hours in the morning to work on projects.
But then there’s the other side.
1) The other day I realized how much anger I have had brewing. Anger at situations. Anger at people. Anger at finances. Anger at everything from which I feel suffering and have tried desperately to change but feel so helpless and powerless to change. I wrote this in my other blog (www.gracedfollower.com):
Anger is internalized frustration with circumstances we feel unable to change.
It’s key to believe that
- God is aware of our suffering
- He works for our good
- He cares
Long-suffering may last decades. We might as handle our suffering with trust.
I realize I need to suffer better. Because there are some real things that are genuine “suffering.” And they’ve gone on for years now with now relief in sight.
2) Patience – To most everyone else mom looks normal. And I love that. Because in 2016 LBD was in full swing and she was the local tourist attraction (Grr…..). But there are days (like yesterday), where simple things were confusing. She just can’t do sequencing very well. Commercials? She can’t understand why I don’t fix them. Storylines? Nope. Following instructions on things? So very difficult.
But she looks so normal. And that’s the deceptive part.
And I lose patience to be kind. I feel bad.
Kindness matters in this game.
So my hope is this.That in those trials, challenges and genuine sufferings, that I will be made into a new person. A better person. Right now it honestly feels like I’m becoming much worse. I don’t want to come out of this season angry and with a hard heart. Although if I’m honest it feels like right now that’s my only protection. But it isn’t my only protection. God is my protector.
Lord, let me learn to lean into you. I need you. I don’t like who I’m becoming. I want to be like you in suffering. You entrusted yourself. Lord, help me to trust you.